Arrested Development
by snarkysweetness
Summary: Now the story of a land whose future was abruptly paused for twenty-eight years and the one princess with no choice but to save them all while keeping herself together. This is Emma's arrested development.


**Title: **Arrested Development  
**Author:** snarkysweetness  
**Rating:** R  
**Pairings:** Emma & Henry family-centric with Emma/August, Emma/Neal, Emma/Killian, Aurora/Killian, Regina/Killian, Regina/Neal, Regina/Neal/Killian, Belle/Jefferson, & Belle/Rumpelstiltskin  
**Summary:** Now the story of a land whose future was abruptly paused for twenty-eight years and the one princess with no choice but to save them all while keeping herself together. This is Emma's arrested development.  
**Warnings: **Don't read this if you take your ship too seriously. Also, there's a lot of language, for reasons.  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.  
**Author's Notes:** I had a great idea for an Emma fic and then decided to make it campy by making it Arrested Development themed. When reading this try to picture it like the show, the style of writing will make more sense that way. Also, if you read it in Ron Howard's voice, it just makes things funnier. There's some serious stuff in here and I tried to lighten it up with Killian trying to get his dick wet, but the reason I even started this was to have Emma choosing herself and Henry over any man vying for her affections, so I'm sorry if it's less comedy then you're expecting.

All of my love to the beautiful, perfect, wonderful Julie who made the most perfect graphic to go along with this and to my gorgeous wifey for approving of this idea. Also thanks to wifey and Tessa for looking this over. I don't think I'll continue this specific fic, but I might roll with some of the headcanons in this to make a real story.

_Now the story of a land whose future was abruptly paused for twenty-eight years and the one princess with no choice but to save them all while keeping herself together._

_This is Emma's arrested development._

Emma Swan's seemingly never-ending quest to rescue her precocious son was finally slowly coming to an end. They'd battled mermaids, pirates, fairies, and strange shadow creatures in Never Land, of all places, and she was finally reunited with the love of her life and with Storybrooke on the horizon, her false pleasantries with the bastard pirate could finally come to an end as well.

"So, tell me Princess, shall we fuck now or fuck later?" The pirate asked as he leered at her from where he leaned against the doorway to the cabin.

She furrowed her brows and frowned, so disgusted at the thought she wanted to empty the contents of her stomach.

"You're a foul, loathsome, filthy swine and there is no way in Hell I would ever lay on my back for you."

"And here I thought these past few years we'd grown to be friends." He sneered in what she supposed was supposed to be a seductive manner.

Emma wondered how she could ever talk him out of making that face again.

"I did that for my son. When his father was missing, you were the only one capable of steering this ship."

"And what about you, gorgeous? Care to take a go around the hay?"

Aurora looked up from where she'd been knitting in the corner and immediately threw her work to the ground. She stood and gracefully crossed the room. She took one sharp look into his eyes before delivering a deliberate, well deserved slap to his unshaven face. She huffed in disgust and stormed out of the room.

"Oy, what was that for?" He called.

"Maybe it's because you ripped her heart out of her chest and gave it to a crazy sorceress?"

"I still don't think I deserved that," he grumbled. Emma gave him an 'oh please' look.

"Lasses sure know how to hold grudges," he muttered, rubbing his cheek. After a moment of nursing himself he turned his attentions back on her and lifted his eyebrows suggestively.

"So, about us passing the tim-"

"No," Emma enunciated slowly before rising. "Like I said, I only played nice because I needed to. I can't stand the sight of you, Hook. You're a bastard who will never change or grow and the fact that you're trying to get into the pants of your step-son's ex-girlfriend is just proof that you're a…what was the term? Oh yes, 'codfish'. Now, if you'll excuse me-"

Killian's nostrils flared and he reached out to grab her arm but she pulled away quickly.

"Are you planning to throw another temper tantrum and leave me locked in a cell without food, water, or a way out again?"

"Are you ever going to give this up, mate?"

Emma rolled her eyes as she realized Neal had joined them.

"I have better things to do," Emma muttered as she went for the door.

"I'll come with you."

"Why? Don't you and your step-daddy here have some issues to deal with?"

"No, I thought, you know, now that we have Henry back, we could, you know." Neal gave her a 'look. She shook her head and shrugged. "_Talk_," he whispered, giving her a look similar to the one Hook had given her earlier, only less creepy.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No?"

Emma closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose while she resisted the urge to punch them both.

"I don't know what I expected," she muttered. She'd had Henry back less than a few days and these two were already back at trying to outdo the other to get into her pants. Well, she had news for them: her pants were staying on.

"Neal…we're really bad for each other, you know that, right?" She'd recognized that she'd slowly begun to revert with him around. She loved him and she would always love him, he was Henry's father after all, but the two of them would never work. And if she was being honest with herself, she didn't even want to try to go down that path again. The last thing Henry needed was her mother trying to sort out her romantic life. Henry was the only man she wanted or needed in her life. The sooner everyone accepted that, the better off they'd be.

"But you told me you loved me, when I went into the-"

"When you'd just been shot? And I was confused about my feelings? Neal, I'm never going to not love you but…that was…I don't even know how long ago." Time moved differently in the different lands they'd been in. Some moved faster and some stayed still. She had no clue how much time had passed in Storybrooke nor what would be waiting for them when they returned. Would time stand still again without her there? Would all of their friends be gone?

Time had lost all meaning for her; she was no longer the same Emma Swan that had set foot on the Jolly Roger all those years ago.

"But…Emma! We're supposed to be together!"

"Why? Because we have Henry?"

"Because if August hadn't made me leave you we'd still be-"

"August didn't make you do anything! He gave you a choice! And you know, I was pissed off for a long time, but I think he was right to do what he did. Getting thrown in jail was the best thing for me and Henry. It was a wake-up call and it made me grow up and be a better person. And I couldn't have given Henry a good life, neither could you.

Be honest, would you have ever stopped running?

Let's face it, especially with Henry; you would have been more determined to run from your father. Everyone would still be stuck in Storybrooke, cursed, and I don't even want to think about what Henry's life would have been like."

"I think this means she's not planning to have her way with you, mate." Killian interrupted. Emma resisted the urge to slap him and cleared her throat. She'd forgotten they had an audience. It was time to wrap this up so she could find Henry. She'd already had enough of the two of them whilst on this journey; she didn't need to be bothered with them now that she had her boy back.

"You're a good man, Neal, and I don't blame you for running for as long as you did, but we've both made mistakes that we can't take back. And just because we've both grown up and are going to raise Henry doesn't mean we need to be together. We both deserve better than what the other can give."

"But Emma, I-"

"I know, but…Henry is all I can handle right now. Maybe he's all I'll ever be able to handle. The men I love all seem to die or fall through portals," she joked. "It's probably best for your livelihood if you get over me."

Neal watched her with his puppy look but nodded, respecting her decision.

"Wait, does that mean neither of us is getting a crack at that-"

Emma did what she'd wanted to do for years; punched Killian Jones square on the jaw.

"No one on this ship wants you or your penis, jackass."

Emma Swan was choosing herself and her son over any fucking man who wanted her and that was that.

She turned on her heel and left the cabin for the deck where she found Henry sitting alone, staring out at the coast.

"Hey kid," she said as she took a seat next to him. She nudged him with her shoulder, to get his attention. She couldn't begin to imagine what he'd been through. When he was ready to talk about it, he would, until then, she'd just do the best she could to make sure the rest of his life was as normal as possible.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Are you and Nea-dad," he corrected, "going to get back together?"

Emma sighed and put an arm around Henry, pulling him close.

"No. Why? Do you want us to?"

Henry shook his head.

"No, love is…you're better off alone, mom." His eyes were haunted and his voice quiet. He wasn't her baby anymore, though he'd barely aged a few months. She hugged him tightly and kissed the top of his head.

"I won't be alone, kiddo, I have you. And can I tell you a secret?"

"What?" He mumbled miserably.

"You're the only man I'll ever need."

She could sense a smile as he hugged her back.

"That's fine but can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure."

"I miss August."

"I do too." She missed everything about him, but he'd died that day he'd become Pinocchio. Who August was would forever be gone and he was never coming back. She'd accepted that a long time ago. Henry would too, eventually.

"Do you think…I mean…maybe when we go back he'll have grown u-"

"It still won't be him, Henry." Emma said gently as she took his face in her hands. "Everything that made him August is gone. Even if he's grown up and is how we remember him, Pinocchio won't be him. You understand that, right?"

Henry nodded sadly and Emma kissed the top of his head and pulled him back against her chest.

"But we can try to get his memories back, right?"

Emma chuckled.

"We'll see."

_On the next Arrested Development…_

"So, tell me your Majesty, when was the last time you were crowne-"

Regina slapped Killian hard, the sound resounding through the cabin, before abandoning him.

"Is that a 'no' then?"

* * *

"Mom…dad?" Henry asked, horrified.

"Henry, we can explain-" Regina stammered as she pulled away from Neal.

* * *

"I think Neal is…how do you say it? 'Banging' Regina," Aurora remarked uncomfortably.

Emma snorted into her coffee.

"Poor bastard."

* * *

"I'm ready to commit to this if you are…I want to find God…with a 'holy trinity'."

"Fuck my life," Neal muttered before walking out of the room completely traumatized.

"What did I say?" Killian asked, baffled. With a shrug he and turned to bed and began to remove his coat.

"How about you? I'll last longer with only one of you."

"I've made a huge mistake," Regina muttered.

* * *

"Mom, are you sure you don't know how much time has passed in Storybrooke?"

"Beats me, kid" Emma replied with a shrug. "Why?"

Henry pointed to the shore and Emma turned to find a grown-up Pinocchio waving their ship onto the dock.

"Well, fuck me."

* * *

"Belle?" A voice asked as he loomed over her entangled with another man on a bench.

Belle broke away from kissing her Mad Hatter quickly, horrified.

"Rumple! I can…it's been years!"

"I've made a huge mistake," Jefferson muttered as he saw the look on the Dark One's face.

* * *

"I don't know what I expected," Emma muttered as she avoided stepping off the ship.

"I'm still willing to roll around the deck with-" Emma shoved Killian into the water before he could say another word.


End file.
